Pineapple Lip Balm
by boundenid
Summary: Pineapple lipbalm, and the chaos that insues when its power is unleashed. a collaboration. pure humor. will be a prologue and three parts.
1. Chapter 1

**A/n:** So this is a collaboration between me (_boundenid_) and _TheLonelyGod. _So we came up with this over a series of text messages that were jump started when I got some pineapple lip balm. We decided it needed to be shared with the world, so here it is. Oh and we decided that Corporal Macintosh is the McNab of Canada.

**Spoilers:** for anyone not passed season 5 episode 10

**Warnings:** insane hilarity, Lassie might be a little OOC, slash if you squint stand on your head and say platinum pineapple five times fast

**Pineapple Lip Balm**_ prologue_

_**~~**_

Shawn burst into the Santa Barbara Police Department carrying a pineapple. As he passed by McNab's desk his nose caught a whiff of the ultimate flavor. Using his 'psychic' ability he 'divined' that McNab was using his new pineapple flavored lip balm. ″Buzz, buddy. What is going on. Would that perhaps be pineapple lip balm you are applying to your now fine lips.″

″Oh not much, just filing some final reports on that case you guys just finished, how about you?″

bringing his hand to his temple he told McNab,″ The universe is peaceful at the moment, and the spirits approve of your choice in lip balm, but seriously dude where did you get that small bundle of delicious flavor?″

_**~ ~**_

Shawn: We would like to dedicate this to the poor, innocent McNab's of the world, whose...

Gus: No Shawn I'm pretty sure we don't.

Shawn: Yes we do.

Gus NO we don't.

Shawn: Yes we do.

Gus NO we don't.

Shawn: yahuh

Gus: nuh

Lassiter: * **pulls them apart by their ears * ** Spencer, Guster...stop it right now, these people are trying to READ...about **ME**.

TheLonelyGod: umm... Lassie I'm pretty sure the people are done reading if they've gotten this far.

Lassiter: Your taking Spencer's side on this.

Boundenid: ***facepalm*** besides Lassie you have yet to be introduced in this story

Lassiter: * **grumbles as he walks away** *

reviews are platinum pineapples, you know what you must do.


	2. Chapter 2

**And here is the beginning of the story...we is excited (and yes the bad grammar was intentional)**

Turning to Gus, Shawn questioned,″ Gus, why aren't you voicing your opinion on this fantastical discov-″ he broke off as Jules approached,″hi Jules. You a fan of the delicious flavor?″

″Hey Shawn. So what are you guys doing here?″replied Jules a smile tugging at the corners of her lips.  
>″Oh, just picking up the consulting fee for the last case.″<p>

Gus rolling his eyes as Shawn and Juliet's antics quietly muttered something about getting back onto his route. Shawn spotting Lassie promptly sauntered over to the head detective and shoved a pineapple into his face at the same time he nearly shouted,″ Lassie do you know what this is!″

Enraged Lassiter hissed,″ Spencer get that pineapple out of my face.″

Smirking Shawn stated in an exasperated tone,″ Lassie, the pineapple is not in your face it is in my hand.″

Shouting in an all to familiar tone,″SPENCER!″ Lassiter then proceeded to chase the pseudo psychic around the bullpen, determined to 'capture' the pineapple.

The surprisingly fast eccentric shouted over his shoulder,″ Lassie, violence is never the answer″ and when Lassie continued his pursuit Shawn shouted,″ GUS!″

Rolling his eyes Gus calmly told his life long friend,″ Shawn this is your own fault you need to know that Lassie does not appreciate pineapple being shoved in his face.″

Seeing a way to quickly end the confusion Jules announced,″ look Carlton, an antique gun show is happening across town, the first fifteen people in line get free tickets. It starts in 20 minutes, if you leave right now and maybe use your siren you just might arrive in time.″

Lassiter, his quarrel with Spencer forgotten looked up at Jules and stated,″ O'Hara, don't you kid with me, this is a serious matter.″ Smiling Jules pointed at the advertisement McNab had just pinned to the bulletin board. Quickly grabbing his keys Lassiter ran out the door as Shawn shouted after him,″ that's right run while you can!″

″Spencer we will finish this later.″

Jules handed Shawn a pineapple smoothie she had picked up early that day to distract his hyperactive mind ,and Gus seizing the opportunity followed Lassiter out the door, besides the gun exhibit had a room devoted to Civil War medicine he had planned to check out.

Sighing in relief Jules quickly grabbed Shawn's arm mentioning something about a special showing of _Grease_ at the local movie theater.

**Reviews shall be rewarded with platinum pineapples**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:**We forgot to mention this earlier but obviously neither of us owns Psych or anything related, If we did well platinum pineapples would be involved. Oh and for those of you who

noticed yes that was a quote from the Robert Downy Junior Sherlock Holmes movie we used in the last chapter, and obviously we don't own that either. And the coin quote later in the chapter comes from Merlin, which we also don't own for if we did there would me much more Merlin whump.

**Anyway this next chapter is following the Gus Lassie storyline.**

"Lassiter, wait up I want to see the exhibit to," shouted an out of breath Gus," They have a special display on medicine during the Civil War I've been meaning to check out."

"Guster, what are you doing here?" reaching for his gun looking through the crowd Lassie asks," is Shawn here with you?"

"No Lassiter it's just me, besides Shawn and Juliet appeared to be talking about going to see a movie when I left them."

Growling with barely contained rage Lassiter replied," I want you to listen to me Guster, and believe this because I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Leave me alone or I will fill your life with death and despair, but mostly despair, gut wrenching despair."

Turning his renowned disapproving gaze on Lassiter Gus responded with," Carlton I realize you have an issue with Shawn, in fact I'm certain most people do, but why on Earth does everyone take that distaste out on me?"

Raising an eyebrow Lassiter responded," As far as I'm concerned your just as responsible for Spencer's harebrained schemes as he is, and why in God's name are you still following me?"

"Lassiter, we do not use the Lord's name in vain, Father Wesley would not approve."

"'Guster I don't give a damn about you religious zeal, I am here on a mission of the utmost importance and I do not have time for you shenanigans."

Highly offended Gus shot back," How would you feel if I insulted your gun?"

"Don't you dare bring my baby into this, Guster."

"I can, and will bring your gun into this, because just as me and religion are one, you and your gun are two sides of the same coin!"

"I am not a coin Guster I am a law enforcement officer!" snarled the enraged head detective.

"It was a metaphor Lassiter. You know a literary device." Stated an exasperated pharmaceuticals representative.

" I know what a metaphor is," shouted a reddening Lassiter. Turning Lassiter attempted to rid himself of the annoyance he was now dealing with, but suddenly tripped on a conveniently placed tube of pineapple lip balm. Gus quickly took the opportunity to bait the head detective and snatched his gun as it slid across the floor. Wasting no time, he disappeared into the crowd looking for a place to stash his prize. Scrambling to his feet Lassie demanded,"Where is my gun?" Turning frantically he saw Gus' shiny bald head disappearing in to the crowd and knew where his baby could be found.," Get back here with my gun...RIGHT NOW!"

Quickly looping around Gus attempted to sneak up behind Lassie to steal his handcuffs, but as we all know he is not very surreptitious, so obviously Lassie sees him," get back here GUSTER."

Paling slightly Gus raised his hands above his head saying," hey Lassiter your gun is in that exhibit over there, and here is all my pocket money, as a early Christmas present, buy yourself a new holster for your baby. Just please don't shoot me."

"You put my gun in an exhibit, I'm coming baby...This isn't over Guster."

Taking a deep breathe Gus started to follow Lassiter asking anything that would listen to stop Lassiter from shooting him. Then deciding not to take any chances Gus ran for his car headed to the Psych office.

Glaring after the fleeing sidekick, Lassiter grabbed his gun, and whispered softly,"Don't worry baby your safe now." Before turning on his heel and heading home.


End file.
